Moments of a mental breakdown, physical frustration and contemplation about the future of this festival

***FYI/DISCLAIMER: These blogs are for a business plan workshop by which are a reflection of discovery, research findings and conversations with industry and non-industry people about my idea to introduce a music festival that promotes the African American experience, culture, lifestyle and tradition on a global platform in the City of Boston (The Commonwealth of Massachusetts.*** Any and all opinions are a reflection of the blogger and her journey.***

It's true, its takes a strong, passionate human being to venture on their own to pursue their dreams. Whether it is death of a loved one that sparks a flame within a daughter who wants to create an organization that provides free hugs to senior citizens in specialized nursing homes; or a homeless man-turned wealthy investor, who starts a program for young teenage homeless bones to gain life skills and basic professional development training... these individuals are motivated, unwilling and selfless in their endeavors, thought process and commitment to make their dreams a reality.

This week, I have realized that I am not in a good space (mind, body and spirit) to truly fulfill my dream of a soul music festival for Boston (MA). Doubt has truly consumed my ore to the point at which I have found tears stumbling down my face. I have reached my limit within my own personal journey and I feel it is time to take a break.

Recently, I met with two wonderful and strong African-American women, who are interested in my idea. As we were going through the agenda, one of the women, named Mrs. Johnson (made up) began to "politely" interrogate my idea with questions about who, what, where, when and how about my budget, Advisory Team, festival location, connections to the City of Boston, my own character and skill set and my long-term vision.

Pause. Deep Breath. FEAR creeps in.

Within the depths of my heart, I began crying. Despite all the work I had done with as much time as I had (yes I work a PT and a FT job, taking care of my mother and going to class at night), I did not have the answers this time. I had not given full capacity thinking to my festival. I felt hopeless, scared and deterred. I began to question, "why should I be the one to do the festival?"

Mrs. Johnson took things a little deeper with this question "Are African-Americans in Boston truly ready to learn, receive and understand their own blackness with this festival?" Her question was valid, but not one I would have given much thought too. Furthermore, she went on to state that "Black people are all about multiculturalism. They are not about understanding their own race. So your biggest challenge is figuring out whether this festival caters to Black people or multiculturals."

I was speechless, hurt and confused all within a few moments, because I just simply wanted to created a music festival that was representative of the culture, heritage and lifestyle of African-Americans in Boston. However, Black Bostonians are different kind of breed, according to Mrs. Johnson. So this left me to question... what is the point then? Why should a festival exist?

I know that my colleagues would say "her opinion is just from one person," but as I reminisced about my own interactions with Black Bostonians, I questioned if Mrs. Johnson's statements were true, half truth or damn near false.

I am at a cross roads with this festival and my life's calling. There is so much to be done and time is not on my side. Maybe it's better that I not create this festival, rather may be it is just better to build up an existing art and music series, where I can just strive to inform and invite more African-Americans to them.

Who knows?

This week was truly an eye opener and I think it's time to close up shop on this festival and try to soul search within myself about where my passions are. I am burnt out, stressed, sleepless and tired.

Wish me the best!